Have you picked up your copy of 101 Things To Do Before The Apocalypse? It’s the hit new humor book from… me! Seriously, it’s funny and you don’t need to take my word for it, go read the reviews on Amazon.
And it’s only $1.99 so what do you have to lose??? In the meantime, take a look at number 47 on the list:
47. ENFORCE PARKING LOT RULES
Our world is full of society rules, which are unwritten suggestions as to how we are supposed to go through life. Rarely is there any punishment for breaking these rules, with a few exceptions. We all know you are not supposed to park in handicapped parking spaces unless you are actually disabled. Those who try to park in these for just a “few quick minutes” usually get caught. It’s a very hefty fine, not to mention a real jerk move to park there in the first place. This is one of society’s rules also backed up by a law. But not all of them have that same kind of backing, with the threat of a fine or jail time. Some of society’s laws are strictly on the honor system and people continually show no respect for them. Until now.
Earlier in this book we covered the ten items or less line at the grocery store, another rule of society. So now you have experience in both enforcing a societal rule as well as breaking one… just to be a blockhead.
If you want to enforce the law of not parking in a handicapped parking space without the appropriate license plate, go for it. It’s a noble thing to do. But if you choose to let the police handle that one, there is still work to be done in your local shopping mall parking lot. Just about every restaurant that offers a take-out service has a special parking spot designed for those who are doing the taking out. But in a crowded lot it won’t be tough to spot a scofflaw who thinks they are above this unenforced rule. Another common regulation is the time limit on a parking space. You know, the ones with a sign saying you can only park there for ten, fifteen or thirty minutes. These are meant to save the spot for the stores that have people running in and out quickly, often next to a bar or restaurant where people will take their sweet time, hogging their prized parking spot.
Enforcing these will take time and a little creativity as most people will choose to ignore the average Joe who tells them they can’t park somewhere. Impersonating a police officer is never a good idea and highly illegal. But I am not aware of laws about impersonating parking attendants because, frankly, who would want to? Well in this case you want to. How you do it isn’t important, you could even just write “Parking Enforcement” on the back of a t-shirt. Anything to give yourself a look of authority. Add a walkie-talkie and a plastic badge from a vending machine and you’ll be convincing enough. Now just wait for some hooligan to come along.
Upon seeing an offender parking in a designated take-out parking spot, then going into some other business you should stop and gently remind them of what the sign says. If they brush you off or refuse to listen, just hop on your fake walkie-talkie and begin to report a “1-2-3 violation of the 2nd degree,” and you need to request a tow truck. They will hop back into their car and move in a jiffy. Enforcing the ten minute parking is trickier because you’ll need a stopwatch, time to kill and a pad of paper. Once they have gone over the time threshold you’ll hop into action by writing a terse note about them breaking the “321 parking code for Slippery Noodle Mall” or wherever you happen to be. You don’t have time to actually WAIT for them, with the whole Apocalypse thing coming. Mention in the note that a tow truck has been called. The fact that tow trucks will never show up at these places won’t matter, it’s the threat of being towed that will always make people jump.
If you feel like taking credit for your actions, mention to the manager of the take out joint in question that you’re on the job and no one will steal their parking spaces. Then politely request some free egg rolls for your efforts. It’s worth a shot.